Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
