The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
