The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
