i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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