Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
