I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
