the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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