I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
