i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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