can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
