hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
