i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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