Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
