Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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