I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
