Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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