What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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