Someone shit on the floor
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
