Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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