HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
