fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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