I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
