I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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