I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
