Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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