Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
