my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
