did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
