if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
