I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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