true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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