Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
