You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
