I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
