I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just gargled with NyQuil
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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