The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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