There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
