I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
