Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
