they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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