Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I want to fling myself into the sun
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
