I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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