This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
