how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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