i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
