glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
