the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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