I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
