how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
