Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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